Dear Queer ~ Am I Asexual?
Gayly Giving Advice Straight from the Heart ~ June 2025
If Dear Queer uplifts, educates, or entertains you, please make our exchange reciprocal here. Cheers to empowering one another.
Dear Queer,
Your column on the 4B Movement totally got me thinking. Apparently, I’ve been 4B for decades!!!! But then I thought I was kinda ACE? Or maybe 100% ACE. How do I figure this out?!! I’ve read stuff online and browsed books, but it sounds like an individual decision, so reading other people’s experiences is nice, but it doesn’t clarify anything for me. How do I know what I am?
Thanks!
-Anonymous
Hey there, Anonymous Ace,
What a rich question to be asking. Thank you for your bravery in bringing your inquiry forward. While I wish I had a magic wand, I could wave that led you to the pot of gold at the end of your own personal rainbow, alas, I do not. What I do have is information to share, and if it resonates, it’ll be adding gold coins to your ever-growing pot of self-knowledge.
First, it is imperative to consider the time we are alive in. For those of us living in the United States in the year 2025, we are among the first generations of women who have choice in how we live our lives. It was only 1974, the year I was born, when every female needed a husband or father to co-sign in affairs as basic as opening a credit card or a bank account. For hundreds of years, women were exchanged from the hands of one man to another as a business transaction. In fact, the tradition today of a father giving away the bride at a wedding is a direct nod to our history when a father would trade his daughter to another man in exchange for property, cattle, or other riches at the time.
You may wonder what in the heck women being traded for cows 300 years ago have to do with your sexuality today? Well, my dear ACE, there is a collective component to the confusion you are experiencing. Women have been denied autonomy for so long, the very essence of questioning who you are and what is true for you is a revolutionary act in and of itself. It’s no wonder you don’t know the answer regarding your sexuality when generations upon generations of women who came before us never explored this very question, and the vast majority of women worldwide still can’t or don’t. I applaud you for breaking generational patterns by being courageous enough to ask.
So, let’s tackle this from several directions, shall we? I invite you to whip out your journal and use each question as a prompt. Alternatively, you can take these questions to a counseling session and explore them with a therapist. Take your time with these and try not to tackle more than one question at a time. The longer you linger with a self-inquiry, the deeper you can go. In my research, these questions are amongst the most important for you to ponder:
- Do you experience sexual attraction to others? If your answer is yes, what were the circumstances? Are there any similarities in the circumstances?
- Do you feel a physical desire for sexual activity with another person? If you were to rate that longing on a 0–10, 10 being you’re gonna grab it like you want it (pardon the 80s rap reference) and 0 meaning you can leave it, where do you fall?
- Is a strong emotional bond needed for you before experiencing sexual attraction?
- Do you resonate with the term asexual? What is your gut response to using that word to describe you?
Next, I found (and took!) this test for asexuality. In what I researched on the internet, this website felt the most authentic and accurate to me. Anyone who takes this test and answers truthfully will learn more about themselves in one direction or another.
Lastly, it would be amiss if I did not address the possibility of PTSD from sexual trauma. Let me be crystal clear here. There are tons of asexual individuals on this great, big planet Earth who have never experienced sexual abuse or trauma- period- full stop. However, there are also a fair number of us who develop coping strategies that mimic asexuality. It would be a damn shame to move through your entire life believing you were asexual if, in fact, you aren’t. Not being drawn to sex by nature is completely acceptable because you aren’t missing what you don’t desire. Kinda like me and men- I don’t miss sex with’em because I don’t long for it. However, if you are opting out of sexual activity as a trauma response, that’s an entirely different ballgame.
When it feels safe for you and you have adequate support to explore this angle, you can take a test here to identify whether you may have PTSD. If you do score high enough, it’s imperative for your overall health and well-being to seek counseling from a licensed therapist. If you don’t already work with someone, I recommend doing a search online specific to your location and/or insurance status. Here are a couple of low and no-income referral sites to get you started: here and here.
Thank you for asking the braver questions. Whether or not you are asexual or have survived abuse, you are actively participating in the freedom that women who came before us fought so fervently for. You are clearing the pathway for more of us to seek our truth. That, my friend, is taking the cards you were dealt and making sure you play that Ace of Spades.
Stay queer, my dear!
If Dear Queer uplifts, educates, or entertains you, please make our exchange reciprocal here. Cheers to empowering one another.
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P.S. Did you hear? Dear Queer, AKA Candra Anaya’s very first collaborative book, The Life-Changing Power of Self-Love, is officially a #1 Amazon Bestseller! For autographed copies and SPECIAL DISCOUNTS, order here. Are you a Dear Queer Fan? Say so on the order form and I’ll gift you a FREE Dear Queer sticker ($5 value) with your book order.
