Dear Queer~ How Can Men Help?
Gayly Giving Advice Straight from the Heart ~ April 2024
Dear Queer,
How can men help end the rape epidemic? I wrote this piece about my experience of almost becoming a perpetrator:
What else can I do?
Sincerely,
Startled Egg
Dear Startled Egg,
I feel so empowered by you asking this difficult question. I’ve searched my entire adult life for my brother allies and I am thrilled to have found you, even on a different continent than me.
Thank you so much for sharing your firsthand experience. Your account is honest, vulnerable, and full of heart. Your willingness to express the ways you stumbled, as well as your desire to learn and do better, is admirable. I sincerely hope each person reading Dear Queer clicks your article next. You are giving such a gift to the world by sharing your truth, especially with a subject that is so taboo.
While the conversation you opened can lead in numerous directions that each warrant a deep dive, I find it best to digest small bites at a time. So let’s start with one nibble, shall we?
When there is a global pandemic as there is with rape, it takes the creative minds of many to come up with solutions. This is impossible to achieve when the majority of us are held captive by silence. Many of us have heard of the fight, flight, or freeze response. It’s what happens to humans when faced with grave danger. In a nanosecond, the amygdala in our brain assesses the situation and decides the best course of action- fight, flight, or freeze- to ensure our survival. Collectively, the majority of us are stuck in freeze mode when it comes to rape culture. It may feel impossible to move forward when we are frozen. Here is the good news though- it can be done. And the even better news- you are doing it right this very second.
A large reason why rape continues is because of silence. If you will, imagine holding a glass full of ice cubes. Every single time you open the conversation about how to end rape culture, you are pouring water into your glass. The ice can’t help but melt. Ice cracks when it breaks free, which may feel threatening at first, but the discomfort is only temporary. With time and practice, you can navigate difficult conversations as naturally as ice melts in a glass of water.
Yes, talking about rape makes the best of us squirm- as does listening to those brave enough to speak about their experiences. But we are at choice, and we do not have to give our power away to discomfort. Each time you break the stigma of silence, you are giving a woman back her choice, which is a powerful ally in the world of healing.
You ask how you can help end rape culture, and this is it. Start the conversation with the womxn in your life. Once you have their consent, reassure your desire to be an ally. Tell them you feel nervous and you may stumble, but your heart is in the right place. Ask if they are willing to talk about sexual assault and if they are willing to share their lived experiences of being harassed or assaulted. Then listen- truly listen. Expect to feel uncomfortable, but trust the discomfort passes. It’s okay to be at a loss for words. Here are some appropriate and supportive sentiments you can offer.
“I don’t know what to say, but I am so glad you are sharing this with me.”
“I am your ally in this.”
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
“I am here with you.”
By the end of the conversation, you will have planted seeds of trust. With time and continued dialogue, the ice melts, and our collective response of being frozen thaws that much more, producing water to nourish those precious seeds with. This is healing in action.
Rape culture will not end from one moment to the next, but the silence that perpetuates it can. It starts with you and me. Let’s embolden our voices, toast our glasses of melting ice, and do this.
In wholehearted solidarity,
Dear Queer
In the United States, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. ADD YOUR VOICE to the conversation. Let’s move from frozen to fight together!
For those in the United States (home to Dear Queer) check out: www.rainn.org
For those in the United Kingdom (home to Startled Egg) specifically England and Wales, check out: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/
For those in the UK and Ireland: https://thesurvivorstrust.org/
Learn how to speak about consent here: https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent#what-is-consent
Thank you for being part of the conversation. Every voice matters.
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