Photo by Alyx Autuori @ The Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival 2003
I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day when lo and behold, Facebook felt the need to interrupt my copasetic flow and alert me to a memory from almost a decade ago. I paused for an irritated moment and debated whether or not to click the notification. I was thoroughly enjoying this video of a drunk grandmother hitting on a manager at Walmart. If I followed the prompt to my past I’d never find out if Grandma Drunko scored with her hottie or not. Nor would I complete my karmic duty in supporting her soul in going viral on the World Wide Web. After a carefully deliberated 1.7 seconds, I took a swig of my stevia sweetened Yerba Mate and clicked the notification, pretending like I ever had the will power not to. Front and center on my screen popped up my very own words from nearly 10 years ago: “I’m becoming a lesbian cliche.”
I’ll admit, I cracked a smile. I mean, c’mon now! I’m funny. The fact Facebook remembers this comment only proves it. The opening comment in response was, verbatim:
Followed by, “Um I agree… becoming? Guuurrrlll, you have been a cliché since the days of the mid 90s… I think you single handedly kept Cliff bars in business… and Jewel was an icon because of your support alone.”
I didn’t realize Cliff bars were reserved for lesbian taste buds only? For goddess’s sake, they aren’t even gluten free, nor are the ingredients printed in soy ink. Gasp! Cliff Bars wouldn’t make it through the front door of any respectable lesbian potluck. I mean, they are vegan so I see where my friend was headed with that comment, in theory. Nonetheless, the more I think about his comment the less I’m feeling seen as the bonafide lesbian I am. Even if I have yet to see The Indigo Girls in concert.
As far as Jewel? I will forever embrace that she’s a complete babe. Again, I don’t see the lesbian association. Melissa Etheridge or K.D. Lang, I’ll give you. I’d even go so far as to accept Gwen Stefani, since she’s the gayest straight woman I’ve ever seen; AKA a total closet case. Nevertheless, I think my love of Jewel is clearly my deep and personal connection with her as my future soulmate. Our bond has nothing to do with obsession- oops I mean lesbianism.
The third comment was from a straight co-worker. She wrote, “Yep, the perfect lesbian cliche if I ever saw one. And, if more people knew you, there’d be less discrimination because you are the nicest person I know.” I’m nice because I grew up Mormon, silly! Not because I’m a lesbian. Sheesh. Get your stereotypes straight. Pun intended.
The last comment came from a closeted bisexual friend of mine, “Is that wrong?” he asked pointedly. No sweetheart, it isn’t. Not at all. Come on out dear. You’re going to be just fine. Or Closer to Fine, as the most famous lesbian duo so convincingly sings.
If you enjoyed this article, please read on: 10 Reasons Why, Despite Their Bad Rap, Dating a Gemini Could be the Best Move You Ever Make
Image by Kimberly Fizzart